Top Ten Rules To Being A Writer

For all those lazy-assed wannabes that constantly ask me how to become a writer, here are the top ten rules you need to follow. Bear in mind that rules can always be broken, but never ignored! If you're writing poetry for pleasure or fiction for fun, hell break every damn one of them. As an amibitious writer I try to follow most of these rules, especially when that dreaded writers block disease penetrates the ole grey matter.

1. WRITE - Take pride in the fact that you wrote something. Many people dream of being writers; far fewer get around to DOING it. So, by writing anything – even if it is terrible – you have done a lot. The first step is to write. The second step is to learn to write well.

2. Distance yourself from your writing. One reason criticism of your writing can hurt so much is because you see it as an extension of yourself. Recognize that your writing is not you; put your ego away and concentrate on making your work better.

3. Remind yourself that others have taken a long time to learn how to write. Why it should be any different for you? You have to do your exercises and learn the craft.

4. Take the criticism and apply it. When you accept the criticism, and apply it to your story, your work will get better. You will also start gaining that necessary distance from your work so that you can see – and fix - the flaws before others do.

5. Don’t get distracted by negative thoughts or lack of self confidence. If you’re not in the mood to write, taken a 15 minute break and do something else. When those 15 minutes are up – WRITE!

6. Use good grammar and employ a simple and straightforward style and from now on you will read things in two ways: First, for information. Second, for technique. Words are your tools. You must make them your friends.

7. There are two book endings you must avoid at all costs:

a) It was only a dream, or

b) ....and they were all run over by a truck.

8. If you're a professional writer, writing is your job. So treat it that way for five days a week.

9. Faint of heart won nothing, just as the longest journey begins with the first step.

10. Concentrate on the day, and on the current project. Let the future take care of itself.

Oh, and once you have studied the above thoroughly and finally finished something you have written to a standard you are happy with, submit it along with a query letter to a suitable publication. Then take the following action:

Step 1 - Wait a few weeks or months until they spot your work at the bottom of the slush pile.

Step 2 - Receive rejection slip in the mail and dive into the chocolate tin.

Step 3 - Search for a new publication.

Step 4 - Go back to Step 1 - rinse and repeat.

See! This is my life...

Ever wondered what it might be like to be a writer, here is what you can expect:

Questions such as this:

"When are you going to get a proper job?."

Answer: A stoney-faced 'Go to hell - you aren't my friend any longer' stare)

"Are you pregnant, having a baby or something? Unable to work?"

Answer: "Yes... well no... well actually - conceiving them is far more fun than pushing them out of my nether regions."

"Are you famous?"

Answer: Laugh coquettishly and say, "Would I be actually be talking to you if I were?"

"What do you write about?"

Answer: "um...."

Well any fellow writers out there can add to this list, I am absolutely positive that you will have a few of your own!

Not amused by the muse...

When I get into a blogging mode it all comes tumbling out.. Other than that I am stuck in the daily life drudgery of wondering what the hell to write about!Writing can be such a lonely occupation, with only a fridge full of goodies for comfort and Jeremy Kyle screeching in the background, and the promise of nothing until you put finger to pad or pen to paper.

My day starts at 7.00 am where I am forced by my inner conscious to get up and write that fantastic article that will blow the lids off every paper and magazine.

Unfortunately it doesn't work like that!

Well in all honesty, that is seriously hard, unless you want to join the ranks of trash-story-seeking columnists who publish such stuff such as:

Posh buys a new lipstick.

Suffice to say, people actually buy magazines to read stuff like that. God No! Wake up! Let us have some real writing talent please?

The best writing comes from the heart, but often our hearts have difficulty communicating with our heads. There is nothing worse than that blank piece of paper staring at you, foretelling that whatever you're about to write down is going to end up on that slush pile anyway! Don't we know it folks! First thing in the morning with half a dictionary stored in our minds, and strong Kenko tanking its way up to our brains, the best attempts are often scribbled across the page as little more than a few words of utter gibberish.

Once in a while, I might be collecting empty coke cans from my teenage son's bedroom floor, shovelling uncooth objects into a trash bag without daring to look closely, when I am struck by that muse, and geronimo! Sparks fly. I helter skelter down the stairs to boot up the laptop, only to find that whilst waiting for Windows..Login... Pop ups, MSN friend alerts, Explorer and Word to load up - well damn - I have forgotten whatever it was I intended to say.

Suffice to say, the muse only arrives, whenever he arrives. And mine is usually particularly good at arriving when I am far away from my laptop (aka the supermarket.) I don't find that amusing. In fact it's plain rotten. I turn to fiction often, because once you get a decent enough storyline or plot down, you can curse the muse, send him to hell, and just get on with your complete concoction of brilliant lies.

Two heads are always better than one!

It was a tricky start to 2007. I had every bit of desire to finish my first novel, but I was also falling over myself to begin making notes about a fictional story that had been bogging my head down for a while. This highly secret future bestselling book idea came to light in a strange fashion.

One day in January whilst trolling through my usual writing group forum, I met this intelligent and savvy US writer. She works for a TV company, has alot of background and experience in the media business, and is desperate to get writing with a co-partner. I have never co-written before, so that for me was a challenge I had yet to discover.

We talked about the possibility of this online at great length, we got to know each others intentions, dreams, future plans and expectations, and after a couple of weeks of pickling each others brains, we finally decided to carve out a story together (based on my new niggling book idea). In the end she really wanted to go with the brief synopsis I had sent her, and before we knew it we had begun writing our first draft together.

So far, things are going great. We did hit a few snags of course, such as, who should do the actual writing, and who should read it and laugh (lol). We brainstormed every possible avenue of our hi-tech thriller, and have written enough notes on our googledocs sharing programme to possibly plaster our ceilings with.

At the end of the day my american co-author comes up trumps. When I rough out a chapter that is particularly rotten, she attacks it with her red pen and turns it into something pretty legible. And vice versa, we brainstorm, discuss and are really excited about our new venture. I think we make a great team!

This easter weekend I have a few scenes to sketch out, whilst I indulge in a few chocolate easter eggs, so wish me luck won't you? :)

Sorting myself out.

Time for some serious clearing out of my attic. I use this as an office/music studio, but mostly I drag the laptop downstairs or the garden and work there, so unfortunately its got a bit dusty up there!

The sun is still shining in December in Spain, and I'm quite looking forward to getting Project 1 out of the way so the real fun in trying to get a novel published can begin! (When this might happen, only the Lord himself knows!)

Fortunately I have some great writer friends who are always willing to impart their valuable advice and opinions! Looking forward to 2007 and starting some serious new year resolutions.

Interruptions..

Day's note of interruption - take turkey out of freezer tonight to defrost!

Things To Remember

Oh my lord, the first draft is always the most painful - but why? Because it's produced with many doubts and far too many umm's and ahhh's...

Is it good, is it great or a complete pile of cack, that YOU would have to pay someone to read.

Well if you have picked yourself up and dusted yourself off, and decided to continue anyway, remember this, as I'm still reciting these to myself:

In writing:

No-one learns by watching alone!
No-one learns by watching and listening alone!
No-one learns by giving up mid-way!
A writer who doesn't bother writing is nothing more than a dreamer!
Stop procrastinating - (agh that's such a hard one!)
And don't form bad habits on the job (eating,smoking,watching online videos)


I am guilty of all the above - alas, tis true, but no more... now does anyone want to prove to me that dreams actually do come true?

Note: BIC can be very painful indeed.